When I meet new people, I don’t bother getting to know them or their interests. I don’t have to anymore, I have The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Goldschneider and Joost Elffers. I have a magical book that makes all my friendship/relationship decisions for me. It’s cool.
The Book looks like this…
…and has a page for every day of the year (even February 29th! there truly is something for everyone). Every day comes complete with a ridiculous title, lucky numbers, a list of other amazing people born on your special day, something about tarot, something about health, and vague advice. The most important part is probably either the list of 3 strengths and weaknesses right at the end of each page or the eternally useful meditation italicized at the bottom of your day. Here, I’ll give an example —
My day (February Twenty-Second)’s title is THE DAY OF UNIVERSALITY which rules. George Washington and I have the same birthday, so the longer description is basically about how awesome people born on this day are, how we’re born leaders, how we’re really well-suited to rule the world, etc., etc., obvious stuff. People born on my day are ruled by the number 4 because 2 + 2 = 4. Again, cool, accessible, logical, awesome. My tarot card is The Fool, which sounds kind of insulting BUT isn’t once you realize that The Fool is a “highly spiritualized being free of material considerations.”
According to The Book, I’m prone to ignoring my health (and I totally do! ) and its advice to me is to not be so demanding of the world, which always confused me since I thought that I was supposed to take over the world, but whatever.
Finally, my meditation is “In some obscure corners of the world, the Ideal and the Real have consummated a secret marriage.” Basically, I’m well-rounded and perfect. This book is never wrong. My strengths are that I’m “unselfish, idealistic and dedicated” and my weaknesses are that I’m “unforgiving, pessimistic and overcritical” which is just silly. Everybody makes mistakes, though, even The Book.
One time I stopped dating a guy because his day was called THE DAY OF THE SCRAMBLER and I couldn’t handle it. True story.
The Secret Language of BIRTHDAYS gets a B – for sheer force of novelty.
NEXT REVIEW: My big old camera